my story

Brain Fog

My brain is back in that space where it almost hurts to think. When I work, normally, it’s as if I’ve projected everything I’m keeping in play out into space around me. I move around in that space, project the future, translate from code to action or visuals, and otherwise manipulate information in my head as I go. But on days like today, it can be hard to peel my brain off the back of my head and get it moving. Even after a satisfying and lengthy nap, I pull at it and I can almost feel it resisting me, stretching out in the direction I want and then snapping back away from it all. I can see where I want it to go, but somehow I’m stuck back behind me.

The funny thing is that it’s not a uniform problem. For example, today I couldn’t do XML. I had it in front of me, and I tried to look at it, and I couldn’t do the translation I needed in my head to imagine what it was actually saying. My first reaction was to feel frustrated and sorry for myself. I finally had a day to tackle a task I’ve been putting off and I couldn’t come near touching it. Additionally, it’s hard to get yourself back again (remission) and then lose it (relapse). I like being able to think. I want to go off and fight someone or something but there’s nothing to punch… And I am full time, right now, overcommitted, and facing a relapse. I can’t possibly manage it all if I wallow, so after complaining to a friend I reminded myself that I need to be strategic and pick a task my brain will allow even when I can’t read/translate– writing.

Writing has several advantages for me — for one, there’s all sorts of mindless work (like entering references) that I can use to take breaks. Secondly, in this case, I was doing a literature survey, which meant skimming a lot of papers. Mostly I had to read and comprehend the abstracts and then summarize the relevant stuff in a sentence or two. In principle I’d like to go deeper into each one, but I could accomplish a lot even without doing that. The papers that were most relevant were often exciting enough to get me past whatever is fuzzing my brain up. Also, they could be processed in small chunks (read a paragraph or two, take a break by summarizing that paragraph or entering a reference, read some more, summarize, etc.).

I’m lucky that writing comes easily, because by the end of the day I had managed to trick my brain into producing text without moving it off the back of my head. It’s like looking sideways at something that’s to bright to stare at, and I’ll probably want to rewrite what I produced, but it moved the document forward and it’s at least useable. The best part is, I’m ending the day with a sense of accomplishment instead of despair.

2 thoughts on “Brain Fog”

  1. This is my Lyme story….. I was REALLY sick, now 95% of y symptoms are gone, check out my blog if you wish to get some info on my saver , or just google it (I am not selling anything and not getting any profit!!!)
    I am using (ASD) Antiseptic stimulant Dorogova
    My story,
    I am writing to you because I am stock with my health-issue and I don’t know where to go. When I talk to mybest friend, she tells me that it’s in my head and today she was even asking if I am sure I have Lyme. I was partially paralyzed, I was in ER with crazy symptoms, I am experiencing horrible symptoms every day, I am not insane to fabricate all of this! If you doubt also, I can continue .. I went to best MD’s in NYc, they all agreed I have Lyme, biofeedback I am doing now shows Lyme and coinfections.
    Even though I am not a fan of conventional med, I was on antibiotics for 2 month! It did not help. I am taking 50 tablets of herbs every day and I don’t know if they work…
    Every morning I wake just to get some new symptoms. I had inflammation in my body that caused horrible muscle and joint pain, I was still dealing with that with an attitude that it’s a healing crisis and it’s gonna get only better. I have fatigue and low energy every day, I manage to go to school, but I am not able to work anymore … Now I am afraid it’s getting worse, because it affecting my brain. A week ago I could not find my car and called 911, i was sure the spot where I parked it was empty, I though the car got stolen. I found it on next block. Yesterday I was not able to recall my own phone number ( I know, Tanya told me it happens to everyone, but it does not! I know when I am normal and when I am not) Today I was not able to study, I had brain fog all day long , and on a test in school I was not able to remember anything I studied for the past year. Lyme makes me extremely anxious and paranoid.
    I am getting biofeedback treatments which I feel helping me, but I can not afford more than 2 a week, I am getting acupuncture, taking all possible herbs, but I dont know if I ever get better.
    I did so much research and as most “sufferers know, there really isn’t much real science as it pertains to the treatment of Lyme Disease. Many “LLMDs” (Lyme literate medical doctors) disagree about how to treat patients, and no LLMD I have heard of has astonishing success. With Lyme Disease, its almost always hit-and-miss. Maybe “Lyme Literate Medical Doctors” should be renamed: “Doctors Desperately Fighting A Losing Battle.”
    So, I believe that my “hands on, patient perspective” approach is extremely valuable in light of this confusing, misunderstood, devastating disease, and in light of the fact that tried-and-true “medicine” continues to fail us. If antibiotics did work all the time, I wouldn’t be writing this.

    As I began to understand that M.D.’s don’t have all the answers, I began to look elsewhere. I took a new approach, I began studying and trying things that helped REAL people feel better. I am quite certain than many reading this paper know exactly what I’m talking about – instead of listening to doctors, you start desperately searching for something to take the edge of, to give you your life back. You interview other Lyme patients and ask what has worked. I encountered various herbs, alternative treatments, acupuncture, homeopathy, essential oils, you name it. All these are wonderful treatments; all hold their place in the big picture of health. However – in my case, while some of these helped, the help was insignificant and very discouraging. I kept asking myself, “how is this treatment going to get the spirochetes out?”

  2. I hats losing my ability to think. My memory gaps really freaked me out at first. Now, I’m more patient with myself & just give myself time to wander through all the associations if the immediate memory isn’t working. Not what I prefer, but I just have to learn to
    adjust to this new reality.

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