Back :(.

Although on sabbatical, I’m going to check in with a brief series of posts this month and next. I am in the midst of a relapse (severe night sweats since early january, more recently fatigue, out of breath, headaches and dizziness). After more than two weeks of symptoms that are getting in the way of daily life, the usual fears that this will stay came back and I decided to seek out a doctor (not sure exactly why, as at least the western model usual responds with a lack of solutions, even those doctors who believe that I am sick and, in principal, treatable).

The process went approximately like it does in the US. “Normal” doctors suggested specialties such as rheumatology. A relative has a friend with the long term version of lyme disease. And lo and behold, there is a doctor who specializes in tick-born diseases in Zürich. Another acquaintance has a son who was very sick, normal  treatment failed, and he found a doctor a full city away who practices “bio-medicine”. Of course the doctor’s schedule is full and he wasn’t taking new patients. But the son is apparently totally better now. Sounds tempting, if anecdotal …

In the end, I made an appointment with the tick specialist (reminiscent of an LLMD in how he reacted to me, but commented that antibiotics only work long term because of their anti-inflammatory properties, and interestingly had no experience with co-infections like Babesia, which are apparently quite rare here. A disappointment as the night sweats were making me think that perhaps that was the source of my relapse rather than the Borreliosis, as they call Lyme here). Still, he did a complete work up (blood, heart, even x-ray which I was a little concerned about). I am to go back in two weeks for the results, and partly went through with it all, after the comment about the antibiotics, out of rampant curiosity about the local patient experience.

In the meantime, I received an email from the bio-doc, who has found a way to fit me in, and on Monday no less. I’m intellectually curious about what will come of that, and perhaps because I am in a new country, wierdly hopeful given that I know almost nothing about his approach besides the anecdote of one child’s success… I made a cursory effort to research what I thought it might be (related to the Bionic 880) only to find skepticism in the blogosphere, and evidence that the company that makes the Bionic 880 is no longer partnered with the Dr. most have seen (one wonders why). Again wierdly, still feeling hopeful.

So off I go on Monday across Switzerland to see what happens. It’s been a couple of years since I’ve tried something new, and I’m pretty clear now that relapses are going to continue happening given that I’m on at least my third (significant) one since 10/10. Maybe this will change things. My gut says go for it. Wish me luck!

The energizer bunny

I’m starting to feel like chronic illness just keeps going and going and going …

I know that’s the definition of chronic, but I keep getting my hopes up. I suppose the right thing to focus on is that life goes on too. And for the most part, I do. But this is my space to talk about other things. Like my daughter, who is continuing to complain of daily belly pain even after the constipation treatment. We’re waiting on the results of an x-ray to see if constipation is still the cause, but she’s complaining of headaches now too and I am not hopeful.

While she is obviously a focus of my concern, my own situation is also not so great right now. I’ve experienced a lot of pain, fatigue and brain fog recently, some temperature regulation problems, ear ringing is back, and so is napping and a little dizziness. I am ramping up the yoga again and taking frequent salt baths. I am also trying to get my sleep patterns back under control. My homeopath/MD suspects yeast, and gave me a bunch of supplements and diet change (low carbs/sugar) to help with that, but I’m also going to see the endocrinologist because my appetite has been out of control, which happened the last time I was hyperthyroid. Tomorrow bloodwork, then we’ll see.

Anyway, I’m surprisingly cheerful despite all this, and I’m still hopeful it’s a temporary symptom uptick. As I said: my bigger concerns are with how to help my daughter. But I wanted to give an update nonetheless. No interesting stories or major insights today, just the realities of ongoing chronic illness.

Fear of falling

Things have been going incredibly well since I stopped my medication in October. However, I’ve always thought of myself as “in remission” and tried to act accordingly (protecting at least some of my healthiest habits). Despite that, the call of a job I love, the needs of my children, and time have slowly eroded these (I am not currently doing yoga, using the sauna daily, sleeping more than an average of 7-8 hours a night). Some symptoms never left (such as ringing in my ears) which I attribute to side effects of the medication.

Things seemed great despite this, but about two months ago I started to notice some changes. Occasional dizziness. One day where I needed to sleep sleep sleep (4 extra daytime hours). Another day where I napped for 3. A day where walking up a flight of stairs left me out of breath for what seemed like 10 minutes. A week where I napped for 20 minutes almost every day. A couple of instances of more extreme dizziness. And then this week hit.

Read the rest of this entry »

Off antibiotics!

I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I last wrote in … I certainly haven’t forgotten about this blog or having Lyme disease, but as an academic the beginning of the semester always rolls over me in waves leaving little time to step back and reflect. Fall is especially bad because there are many conferences to travel to (I just returned from a trip) and I always submit to an important conference in my field around mid September (just before my trip this year).

It’s hard to believe how far I’ve come in a year, but as I roll through my second year since diagnosis I often find myself reflecting on where I’ve been. Two years ago I was desperately seeking a diagnosis, unsure what was happening to me, and floundering at work as I attempted to sprint through what felt like molasses. A year ago I had finally come to terms with the prospect of long term antibiotics, only to descend into one of my worst periods ever. I will never forget my attempts to submit to that same conference deadline, which consisted of hours and hours of painful attempts to look sideways at my screen as I edited the most mindless parts of my papers interspersed with occasional moments of clarity in which I would sprint away from anything that could stop me from writing with an over the shoulder request to my husband to take over if kids were involved, and dive in to do as much as possible before the pain and cognitive dysfunction descended again. In contrast, leading up to this September’s deadline, I had only brief mild headaches and not even every day, with no other major cognitive impairments. Read the rest of this entry »

Running the Numbers (Apr/May 2009)

I have entered another two month’s worth of numbers into my stats program and analyzed them. Of note is the fact that I was apparently hyperthyroid in Feb/March (and maybe before that) but went into remission in April. I’m gaining back my weight now, which apparently was caused at least partly by that.

I’ve created a new way of visualizing my data. The next image summarizes major symptoms since symptom onset (Fall ’06) through August ’08. Major events (such as the mold bloom) are marked at the bottom.

Read the rest of this entry »

Running the numbers (March 2009)

I expect this will become an (approximately) monthly post as long as I am still in treatment. I have entered another month’s worth of numbers into my stats program and analyzed them. This month is of note because I switched meds half way through –Penicillin was begun March 13th. At that time, Zithromax, Mepron, and Ceftin were stopped. I also lost 12 lbs sometime between when I last weighed myself (maybe over christmas?) and now, probably due in part to Ceftin causing me to have about 4 bowel movements a day.

The news continues to be good. The charts below illustrate the change in various symptoms from last month to this (click on them to see close ups)

Read the rest of this entry »

Update and mold remediation

This is a radical topic change for a moment, but I want to give a quick update to folks about how the past few months have been. The more distance I have from last September/October the more aware I am of just how sick I was in that period. I didn’t write much about how bad I was feeling, but a few details can be found in the posts from that period (e.g.,still not over…” and “Highs and Lows“) and perhaps their topics are most illustrative — I made my first visit to a support group; wrote about how the people around me could best help, and reveled in a few pain-free moments.  Rather than dwell on the details, I’ll just say that that period of my life makes me even more grateful for what I have now. It took only about 2 days from the switch from Minocyclin to Zithromax for my improvement to start, and while I think I have plateaued, I am definitely doing well.

Last week was one of my best since February 2008, with about 5 or 6 good days and 3 days in a row feeling like my healthy self (boy can that get addictive!) except for the early bedtime. Looking back over my very sparse notes from last Spring I’d say I’m doing about as well as I was right after the IV antibiotics ended. On the other hand, I also still have bad weeks, and this one definitely qualifies. Hot flashes (sometimes every few minutes); nausea; naps (twice a day sometimes); that heaviness in the limbs … time to hole up and rest.

Interestingly, my improvement also coincided approximately with the installation of a device to dry out my house a little more than our basement humidifiers could. Read the rest of this entry »

still not over…

This definitely counts as one of the longest “flare-ups” I’ve had (or maybe it’s just more than one back to back). For the last week, I’ve had continued difficulty concentrating, ringing in my ears that makes it hard to go back to sleep in the middle of the night, headaches galore, and dizziness (again!). To top it all off, I had a severe bout of fatigue again today that lasted for 6 hours.

It started in a meeting where I could hardly keep my eyes open. I dragged myself to my office and collapsed on a futon I have handy that pulls out into a bed. My hands grew cold, and chills and shaking ensued. 30 minutes later I tried to go to the bathroom. I made it, but with more chills and shaking. It seemed clear this was a major episode that wouldn’t resolve quickly, and I’d also had repeating episodes of dizziness at the end of the day that made it hard to get home safely, so I decided I’d better ask for help getting home from work. I managed to get my phone and IM a friend, but even the effort of lifting my fingers to type was almost too much. Two friends got me to a car (I had to lean on one to even get there) and drove me home. I asked my in-laws to take the kids (my husband is out of town, and I couldn’t have done much for them myself).

My fatigue lasted 6 long hours in which I basically couldn’t lift a finger without getting out of breath, couldn’t project my voice without getting out of breath, didn’t have the energy to hold my head up, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t think, just couldn’t. Even breathing felt difficult at times. My whole body was tingling for much of it.

When the end came, it was as sudden and unexpected as the beginning. One of my friends called to see if I needed anything. I needed company, and fluids, and asking for soup got me both :). By the time she’d finished ministering to me, I could sit up, type, talk and hold my head up. Each one a small miracle.

Several friends have advised me recently to take this one day at a time. Worrying only makes it worse. It’s not easy to do so, but in that vein, I’ll end this by saying: I guess we’ll see what tomorrow brings. For now I’m going to enjoy my breath, my hands, my voice, my freedom.

Managing Lyme’s Unpredictability

One of the most frustrating things about this illness is the unpredictable nature of its flare-ups. Even without flare-ups, the illness is unpredictable: one month I am dizzy each time I stand up, almost to the point of blacking out, the next I have to wear sunglasses and a hat indoors if the lights are on. One day I feel like myself, the next I am functioning but fatigued. One hour I have a headache, the next it feels as if the clouds have lifted and the angels are singing and I can concentrate. Anind, I say, take the kids, I’m going to write!

So … the normal ups and downs are manageable by being flexible and agile and having great support at home and work. I apply the same skills that helped me when I had a repetitive strain injury that limited me to 30 minutes a day of typing, the same skills that helped when I had a newborn and was a (relatively) new faculty member: I stay organized, so that I know what is most important and most urgent (not the same thing) at all times. I also have a very good sense of what I can do in what condition. Then I stay on top of all the mundane stuff, and whatever I can do that is important or urgent. This takes planning and organization, especially when my work hours are limited, but it is possible to do. And the advantage is that when the opportunity to really think arrives I am able to use it effectively. If the timing is bad, I rearrange my schedule when possible.

But even the best organizational skills in the world (and mine are pretty good) mean nothing when a true flare up occurs. Not the rapid changes described above, but the sinking suddenness of pain, fatigue, and headache that is inescapable and complete. One time I went within the course of an hour from (literally) doing handsprings on a gorgeous spring day in my child’s school yard to laid out on the couch napping when I was supposed to be watching her. This week (2 weeks into my first attempt to teach again) I had a similar descent. After biking Elena to school and standing around happily for an hour I suddenly found myself unable to hold my head up long enough to iron napkins (a “chore” the adults help with) and had to lay down. By the end of the day my light sensitivity had spiked, I had a headache, hot flashes, back pain, ear pain, extreme fatigue, and a total inability to read or write. A good friend (Scott) observed my descent and offered me a ride home, where I collapsed on the couch and barely left it for 2 days (we’ll see what tomorrow brings). The cause? Possibly wearing an item of clothing with some dust on it, but mostly unknown.

Clearly I have the ability to write now, and in fact I am lucky that even at this nadir my experience of lyme is unpredictable — yesterday and today around 4 or 5 pm the cognitive symptoms lifted and I could concentrate for a little while, enough to take care of a few fires, and of course I was prepared and knew the important ones. Having a job and family I love helps — rather than sinking into the remaining symptoms I’d much rather focus on the things I care about when I can.

I am lucky that the first two weeks of the semester were relatively a good period (though tiring) so I was keeping up, Friday was a planned work at home day and now it’s the weekend. I’ll have to hope that these flare-ups continue to be relatively rare and confine themselves mostly to “convenient” times (i.e. days I am not teaching). Even so, with the CHI deadline coming up on Friday, losing days of work is hardly convenient and will require even more careful use of my time in the coming days.

I remember that when I first began to comprehend what I was facing, around the time I started this blog, I read some other blogs (linked off of this one in fact), and found an essay on this same topic. The author talked about embracing her flare-ups by pampering herself with time, simple enjoyable activities (like a good movie if she was up for it) and compassion. While most of the essay (above) has to do with how to maintain my job in the face of lyme’s unpredictability, her advice is worth following. When work is neither possible nor enjoyable, acceptance, compassion, and a good pampering are a crucial ingredient to something equally important — maintaining my sanity.

A mom’s worst fear

ADDENDUM 11/24/2010: I’ve modified this post to reflect some of my more current understanding about Lyme disease. Mods are marked with the word ADDENDUM below.

I’ve been worried about it since I got my diagnosis… but it was only recently that those worries turned into action. I brought my son in to see his doctor last week because he had another ear infection, and we sat down and talked about how often he’d been sick in the last year and a half … and I was shocked to discover a pattern similar to my own — sicknesses of various sorts monthly almost the entire time. Sometimes even more frequent, and for one two month period less frequent. This is a child who had never had an ear infection until the year he turned 3, and was not frequently sick. I was also concerned because he seemed fatigued more frequently than I’d expect — in fact, his teacher told me that he often appeared glassy eyed by snack time.

I decided that I couldn’t wait any longer and asked his pediatrician to test him for lyme. If I was right, and didn’t find out for another year or longer, I’d be so angry with myself. If I was wrong, I’d feel bad that I made a child who is scared of needles get blood drawn, but it seemed like much less of an issue. Luckily (and of course) my pediatrician was able to take a less biased view of the whole situation. She pointed out that we needed to test for other causes, so we did allergy tests, blood work, and a Western Blot. We skipped the ELIZA and some other tests that he might need, but even so he had 8 vials of blood drawn. Needless to say, this was very traumatic and I’ve been feeling guilty all week. Until today.

Today I called his pediatrician, and the office said the blood work had come in. I requested that they have a doctor look at it, and my heart sunk when an hour later the doctor called to tell me that his IGg was positive (this means that he may have been exposed, but not recently). My first reaction was to imagine him going through everything I’d been through. Logic was completely absent, and so was self control. Since then 3 hours or so have passed, and I will have even more information after I’ve seen the test results (I’ll probably post an update then). In the meantime, I contacted a very special pediatrician who is based in Pittsburgh and is a leading researcher on pediatric lyme disease. He’s been a great help to me in interpreting my illness and he also helped me see my son’s situation more clearly. I also spoke with a doctor in Ohio who specializes in integrative medicine and will talk later today with my homeopath/MD. Here are the results of my conversations so far:

  • The Western Blot, especially in absence of an ELIZA could indicate that he has a disease other than lyme (such as CMV or Epstein-Barr). This is because it tests for antibodies, some of which are not specific only to Lyme. When I see it, I’ll know much more about how likely it is that he really has lyme disease. Everyone I spoke with wants to see our results to interpret them more carefully and we will be faxing them around later today.
  • It is expected that he would have an IGg but not IGm both because he’s had these symptoms for some time, and because (if this is lyme) he’s only been in Frick park once since my diagnosis and was likely exposed to it when I was — ADDENDUM 11/24/2010: I have since learned that this over simplifies the situation and really is only believed by folks on one side of the lyme wars. In my son’s case, this interpretation turned out to be incorrect.
  • Fatigue, as a symptom, is fairly rare in young kids with lyme, and might indicate other illnesses – ADDENDUM 11/24/2010: This is also disputed.
  • Children tend to respond very well to treatment. Oral antibiotics for about a month is not an uncommon treatment — ADDENDUM 11/24/2010: This is a very short amount of treatment, especially for a chronic case of Lyme disease
  • The lyme researching pediatrician will see us this Friday at his clinic at Children’s Hospital. If it is Lyme, he can help us with the treatment. If it is not, he will help us track down what it is. It’s great to have such a top hospital so close by.

I am also diligently looking into alternative options (still searching for them for myself, and of course would want to understand if they could help my son). I spoke with the folks in Ohio at the integrative medicine center in Columbus. They seem actually willing to work in the context of multiple treatments and not as solo silo-type doctors. They specialize in helping folks who seem to have gotten sicker than one would expect from something, by adjusting diet and other things to try to make the immune system work better. By looking at bloodwork, they can tell if they are likely to be able to be of help. They are willing to take a look at both my bloodwork and my son’s if we want. In addition, I have a friend who’s nephew has lyme disease. He is being treated with ongoing antibiotics and has been on them for 3 years because his symptoms recur when he goes off them. I truly hope that my son doesn’t need that sort of treatment, but I asked her for this doctor’s phone number so I can find out more about when that sort of approach is recommended and used. It is very scary to be in the position of deciding which side of the lyme wars I believe in not only to guide my own future but that of a child who is just at the start of his life. I don’t want to screw this up!

« Older entries

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 163 other followers